This past week has been difficult in many ways. Due to stress and my own emotional lack of control I over-reacted during a meeting and admittedly my frustration led to me letting my feelings get the better of me. I communicated my feelings to the leaders with some distinct facial and body language exhibited during a leadership meeting. I have since offered my apologies the best I can for any communicated dis-respect of them. I can’t really excuse my behavior, for it was wrong, even though there were a pile up of situations that l could point to, I didn’t let the peace of God and my trust in Him lead me. That was wrong. When I apologized to one person he wasn’t even aware of my actions! But God knew, didn’t He? The others have all accepted my apology.
So now what? As I repented to the Lord and asked forgiveness of those involved I must choose to accept His forgiveness and trust that the others are as gracious as He is. His forgiveness is instantaneous, while others must process their response. I have really never been in this position quite before. I have been frustrated but usually vented it in the privacy of my own prayer closet, with the Lord…praying for His solution. I know I am learning to lessons on how/when to communicate my feelings/thoughts etc. In fact, I was a bit surprised by my actions!
My actions hurt others, or at least caused them frustration. My actions did not communicate faith and trust in them, and for that I am sorry. My leaders are all great people, with a heart for the Lord and His people. I love them. The interesting thing is that the topic wasn’t about or for me, it was for someone else. Misunderstanding and false expectations came into play. Now, what to do. The amazing thing is God had a solution about the situation I was so upset about. If I had only been patient a little longer the problem would have been solved, God would have gotten His due and I wouldn’t have had to eat so much humble pie! Those are lessons I have learned before, but apparently not well enough!
I am so glad that the Bible includes many stories of people who made mistakes and didn’t get things right. We serve a God who does convict us by His Holy Spirit of our sin and wrong actions. Scripture says that whatever is not done in faith, is sin. Yep–those frustrated facial actions were definitely not faith filled! So I begin again, trusting our God to take my human self to a higher plane with my actions.
King David in the Old Testament was a man after God’s own heart and yet we know he committed adultery and in reality set up her husband’s murder–and yet he was characterized as a man after God’s own heart. King Saul disobeyed the Prophet Samuel’s instructions and lost the kingdom by his actions. What is the difference? David repented; Saul made excuses and blamed others. How much, when I apologized did I want to defend myself with all the “stuff” that was going on in my life….but the Lord said, “no”, own it. He let me know He knew my “list” and it was still not ok for me to be disrespectful.
God still loves me and has a plan for my life! Next week I head out for a ministering week-end in Grants Pass, Oregon. Not a great way to start–but, wait, maybe it is, for I have gone back to my Lord, understanding even more fully His grace, my weakness and my fallibility! Thank you Father for helping us deal with our weaknesses every day and in every way. Help us receive and extend His mercy, forgiveness and grace to others.